I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”