My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Worth the read.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here