On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Terribly Tuesday.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!