To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
where do you see yourself in five years?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us