Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.