I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Kids: Stay in school.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*