“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know