7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You Might Also Like
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Breaking news:
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]