BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”