Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.