1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
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my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Florida man
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast