Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.