I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
do u think theres a butter planet?
when nothing goes right… go left
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.