my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
and now we wait
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on