Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
going to the ER y’all need anything
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”