Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
You Might Also Like
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Sharon I have some bad news
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe