The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!