After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it