I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
How all things should be taught/explained.