me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
#Thanos #MondayMood
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.