Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.