Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
You Might Also Like
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what