Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
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I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
this is the greatest thing ever
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.