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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Raisins are grape jerky.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.