Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
What’s so funny?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*