Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
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I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?