[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Worst perfume name ever.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤