[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
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My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Sounds like a bargain
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
my name if I was in the mob
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
need him