Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
OH. COME. ON.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.