I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
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[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Good dog. ❤️
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog