Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
cat vs inanimate object
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
who wore it better?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]