My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
The French cow says MEUX…
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you