Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?