I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA