Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.