When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
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Guilty! 🤪
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared