There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO