the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
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It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.