[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.