Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them