the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination