My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
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I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.