When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok