I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me