I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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work smarter, not harder
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Bed should get ready for ME
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.