If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.