Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Harsh but fair
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape