9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.