If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
welcome back
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life