Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister